


Under My Skin

by 96qkuns (halfbloodpup)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Panic Attacks, platonic doyu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-11-21 16:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18144419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfbloodpup/pseuds/96qkuns
Summary: I guess everybody once had this sudden warmth come over you when you're trying to sleep. Or when things seemed to go south but suddenly didn’t and everything went perfectly fine. The feeling of being protected even though you're all alone. Most people say it’s fate. Some may say it’s your guardian angel watching over you. The me a few months ago says it’s coincidence but the me now says it’s the cruellest thing to ever happen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First things first. English isn't my 1st language so I'm sorry if there are grammatical errors or spelling errors.  
> Second: As I'm still not sure how I'm going about with this story I haven't tagged much and will add TW as I go on with writing. I will also put warnings at the beginning of the chapters.  
> Third: The descriptions of depression is mostly the way I percieve it in my life. I don't know how others feel it's just the way I feel.  
> And lastly: Please leave some criticism so I'll know how to improve my writing or some other form of rating.
> 
> I don't know how often I'll update so please bear with me :(
> 
> Warning: Mentions of panic attacks and slight description of depression

I guess everybody once had this sudden warmth come over you when you're trying to sleep. Or when things seemed to go south but suddenly didn’t and everything went perfectly fine. The feeling of being protected even though you're all alone. Most people say it’s fate. Some may say it’s your guardian angel watching over you. The me a few months ago says it’s coincidence but the me now says it’s the cruellest thing to ever happen.

 

**DOYOUNG**

_October 2018_  
It was just another normal day in college. We got endless amounts of homework assignments, teacher writing more tests than needed and just being stressed because there’s no time to fit everything inside my already packed schedule. I just wanted to fall onto my bed and sleep for the next few days. Just resting, not being stressed.  
But life isn’t always that easy. Then there’s also this one thing in the back of my mind. ‘10th October’ says the calendar on my phone. “5 days”. Fuck. 5 days. In 5 days is the day I dread the most in the whole year. I still remember the news vividly. “This evening a fire started in the XX street. Reports said the cause was a damaged electrical chord. The fire spread so fast that the people inside the 3 story house couldn’t get out fast enough. Overall 6 people were confirmed to be killed by it and 3 got away with severe injuries.”. 6 people and one of them being the person I loved most in this goddamn world. Kim Jungwoo.  
It’s been 3 years now since it happened but my feelings for him stayed the same. We haven’t been dating for that long maybe around 2 years but now I feel like I took our time for granted. I always thought we would grow old together but fate had other plans. I mean it wasn’t that far fetched that I thought we would last forever. Not only because I feel in love with him and crushed on him for the longest time but also because we were soulmates.  
Before I knew he was my soulmate I never really believed in it. It’s a thing some people have and some people don’t and i always lived with the view of not having one. Not only because it’s pretty hard to find out if you have a soulmate bond but also because I saw how it was breaking my parents relationship apart. They seemed happy in the first years when my brother and I were still young but as time went on they started fighting so much more which led to them divorcing when I was 16.  
This all happened in the year I met Jungwoo. He was the anchor holding me together when everything around me started falling apart. No matter what happened he listened to me complain, he was there when I had panic attacks and most importantly he gave me advice that helped me throughout those years. You could say it was just natural that I fell for him. At first I did what probably most would do in this situation. I suppressed my feelings to the point where I started avoiding him and of course my feelings for a while. That wasn’t really long though because I just couldn’t stay away from him. Only a few months later we got together. Now you may think i got my shit together and finally confessed to him but let me tell you you’re absolutely wrong. He confessed to me and asked me out. It wasn’t anything special but for me it was the best day of my life.

The TV played in the background with some movie I haven’t been paying attention to. The only thing i’m actually focused on right now is Jungwoo snuggling into my side. God I hope he doesn’t hear how fast my heart is beating at the moment. It’s just a small action but it does so much to me and my weak heart.  
“Hey Dons?” he said in a quiet voice as to not disturb the atmosphere. “Mhh?” I only responded.  
And then he said the words I’ve been waiting to hear for a long time now. “I know you aren’t so keen on relationships and would rather stay away from it but in the short time I’ve known you I fell for you.” he slowly started to sit up facing away from me probably because he was scared or embarrassed, “and you probably don’t feel the same but I just wanted you to know and I hope I didn’t make things awkward now. Oh my god I shouldn’t have said that I’m-” “Woo stop rambling please.”. Him rambling is honestly so cute but that’s beside the point right now. I couldn’t keep the smile forming on my face.  
“I actually like you too.”  
“You do?”  
“Yes. You know the time I was kinda avoiding you.”  
“Yes why?”  
“That was the time i realized my feelings for you but tried to avoid the by avoiding you.”  
Now he was the one smiling from ear to ear.  
“So...do you want to be my boyfriend then?” he finally asked.  
“Nothing else would make me happier.”  
We just smiled at each other. No kissing happened just yet. We were just happy knowing our feelings and the fact that we’re boyfriends now. Boyfriends. Suddenly I love that word.

That was 5 years ago. If it wasn’t for the accident we would have been together for over 5 years now. God I miss him so much. And there came the tears again. I just want him back in my life. I want to turn back time and do everything to keep him outside of his house that day. But sadly I can’t change the past anymore.  
As I was lost in my thoughts my phone started ringing. I don’t know but it must have been for a longer time because when I noticed it I had about 6 missed calls from Yuta. Right at the moment when I wanted to call back he, of course, called me again. Even if I wasn’t in the mood of talking to anyone I picked up because I can’t ignore my best friend.  
“Yes?”  
“Oh my god Doyochi finally you picked up. I was worried about you.”  
“Huh why? Everything is fine.”  
“You’re aware you can’t lie to me. I know you. It’s the day soon and you’ve been acting down the whole day again. So please tell me really ...how are you”  
I chuckled he knew me too well.  
“Honestly. It could be better. Yuta I miss him so much.” my voice started shaking and before I knew it I was crying my heart out to Yuta.  
He tried calming me down and it worked a bit but I still felt like absolute shit. Nothing could change this.  
Yuta later came over with food and Disney movies and honestly I needed that. To be with someone in the times I'm feeling down.  
“Hey Doyo”  
“Yeah?”  
“Are you feeling at least a bit better now.”  
“To be honest yes but it still hurts a lot.”  
“That’s fine. You loved him so much and lost him so soon so nobody blames you for feeling down especially in the time before his death day. Now come here and let me hug you bunny.”  
I hated that nickname with a passion but it made me smile and I guess that was his intention. And like he said he would he hugged me. The movies kept on playing and we just sat there cuddling and eventually fell asleep like that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this took so long even though it's so short. just didn't feel motivated. and like i started this when i went through some shit again and now i just feel a lot better. so the updates are gonna be really slow.  
> (proof read by my best friend. bless her uwu)  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of Death

DOYOUNG  
Waking up on a small, uncomfortable couch with a pair of arms and legs completely wrapped around you isn’t the ideal way to wake up on a Thursday morning.  
The sun was shining directly onto my face which intensified my incoming headache. And Yuta started snoring. I just wanted to take a pillow and smother his face into it. I know, not the kindest thing to do to your best friend but I didn’t really care at that point. I wanted to do it but I just couldn’t move. Yuta had this death grip around me. That’s why I started wiggling around in his arms, hoping the movement would wake him up which, surprisingly, it did.  
“Nghhh....Doyo stop moving”, his raspy voice resonated from somewhere near my chest. I felt the vibrations from his grumbles clearly.  
“Then let me go. I need to get ready for class and you should too.” I wasn’t in the mood for morning cuddles at the moment. I wanted to get to class to distract myself from everything happening in my life right now but also because the class was actually quite interesting.  
“Can’t we just skip?” Of course he would ask this. I knew him, meaning I also knew he would do everything to get more sleep right now. Honestly we didn’t sleep much because of our impromptu movie night and my numerous breakdowns.  
“If you let me go you can skip for all I care but I want to go to class.”  
Slowly and reluctantly he let me go. I thought he would just close his eyes again and get his, admittedly, much deserved rest. But to my surprise he didn’t. He looked up, into my eyes. His mouth opened and closed, probably trying to form a coherent sentence in his sleepy state.  
“Are you okay?” he just asked.  
“Yeah why shouldn’t I be?”  
“Doyoung. Please. You can’t keep everything to yourself that’s not healthy.” Uh oh. He used my full name, meaning he wasn’t gonna take this lightly. This was serious.  
“But I already told you everything yesterday, why repeat it again?”  
“You don’t have to repeat it. That wasn’t what I meant. What I wanted to say is, you don’t have to pretend to be fine. You can say you feel like shit. You can tell me when you’re feeling unwell. When you just need someone beside you. Please I just want to be there for you.”  
I looked down sadly. I think that was enough of proof for him that actually I wasn’t feeling fine at all. I’m honestly glad to have someone like him in times like this. Someone who knows me well enough to get how I’m feeling and who is always there.  
I always did that though. Keeping my feelings to myself. I never really opened up to anyone. I kept it inside and tried to deal with it on my own because my mind was telling me those were my own problems so nobody should get involved.  
The first time I really opened up was when I met Jungwoo. From then on it got easier for me to open up to people. I didn’t tell everyone my life story but I at least told the people I’m closest to how I’m feeling even if sometimes they had to urge me to tell them what is really going on. It still is hard for me to voice my concerns and the likes, but with the people I have in my life it gradually is easier than keeping everything inside, hoping no one will notice that you’re on the verge of breaking down.

“Doyoung...Hey. Are you there?” Yutas voice resonated from the distance. It sounded like he stood far away when actually he was right in front of me. I must have zoned out for a second.  
“O-oh? Yeah I’m here sorry. What did you want?”  
“You’re so out of it. Yesterday and now too. Let’s just skip today please. We can go to school again tomorrow but for now you need cuddles.”  
He was kind of right and even though I didn’t want to admit it, I did in the end.  
We stayed in my dorm, cuddling on the couch and continuing our movie marathon.

 

JUNGWOO  
There’s always this romantic imagery that the after life is oh-so-great and exciting and that it’s a gift for the things you did in your life, but let me tell you it isn’t. At least not for me. I haven’t been here for half as long as some other people but it still is the worst thing ever.  
To explain what I’m on about: After dying most people have some sort of after life. It’s rare to have a person that just vanishes forever. You can get reincarnated immediately, become an angel or something that’s similar to the being of an angel. You can go to ‘hell’ which is not literally like hell, it’s just the underworld were you become some sort of ‘mean creature’ but that is beside the point. The point is that I became such angel. Just not like you’d imagine a typical angel to be. I don’t really have wings, I definitely don’t wear all white clothes and I’m not really in charge of doing good things for humans or help God out or whatever. I’m just up here, watching over what happens down on earth but not really doing anything about it . There are rare occasions where I’m allowed to go down to earth but I have to stay invisible.  
Normally, it might sound great. You have no responsibilities, just sitting around in bliss and being able to do anything you want. But there’s this one thing I left out for a reason.  
When you get into your designated after life, all your memories from your life on earth will vanish so you can spend the rest of your time living on happily but for me something went completely wrong. I still remember every single thing. Well, not everything but you can imagine what I mean. So when I actually do watch what’s going on on earth, I’m only at one particular place. Wherever he is, my eyes are too. And that’s what I’m currently doing as well. And it honestly was the worst time to start watching over him again. Seeing him so broken is what hurts me the most. Without realizing tears started running down my face.

“Woo. Hey. Baby. You have been watching him for the past three days without a break. Please just take a break. It’s hurting you so much”, a voice came from behind me.  
“But Taeil, I don’t want to leave him. I need to see him. Even though he doesn’t know I’m here, I just want to be there.”  
“Woo. Please. He’ll be fine. He’s in good hands right now.”  
I saw him looking at Doyoungs friend in that moment, with a look I’ve never seen on his face before. I didn’t question it, though. 

Taeil might have dragged me away from watching over Doyoung for now but after about two hours I got back to my spot. And in this moment I decided to go down to earth. I wanted to be near him. So that’s what I did.

Arriving in front of his door felt kind of surreal. I was scared to go inside even though I knew he wouldn’t be able to see me. After two minutes of contemplating I finally did exactly that.  
He was on his bed, cuddled into his blanket with a bunny cuddly toy I once gave him for his birthday. It was honestly so cute to look at. As I got closer to him I saw the dried tear tracks on his face. He seemed to be having a nightmare right now with the way he tried to shut his eyes even more. I felt with him. His pain, his sadness, everything. I wanted him to feel better. I went closer and ran my fingers through his hair, hoping he wouldn’t wake up in exactly that moment. It was risky but my prayers were heard and he continued sleeping soundly and at the same time seemed to calm down. I just wish I could be with him again.  
Before anything else happened I kissed his forehead and bid my last goodbye. After that i returned to heaven.


End file.
